To every beginning there's an end. But it would not be the ultimate end for the closing of one door opens many others to countless opportunities. Nothing lasts forever in this world. Love itself is a constant victim to the claws of loss. The only thing constant in this world is change. Many things occur in our lives which teach us not to hold on to a particular object,person or feeling for long because sooner or later it disappears. Either sooner or later.
But how do you let go of someone whom you really love? There would exist a bond between you and that other person which would in time grow so strong that it is almost impossible to break. Almost. Love is not mere words and feelings but love is also all about sacrifices,pain and loss. Love causes a person to do irrational things. Which would be better? To know love and to have lost it than to never have loved before and wonder what it would be like? At times I sit and ponder on the times when I had once loved. I had been happy to have known some of them but most I have regretted crossing paths with them. It is so hard to purge my soul and mind of all the sweet words embedded in my heart which they have said. These memories have slowly crystalized into something harder than diamond and cannot be dislodged so easily. They are like malignant cancerous tumors which have grown fat on the remembering. These memories linger at the old haunts,the old songs listened together and when certain activites are performed which was once done with them. These places or actions trigger past memories and old wounds are reopened. These wounds would never completely heal but would leave a scar.
Time is no remedy for a broken heart but it merely dulls the pain by a fraction. New found love can never fully erase the consequences of past love. I have learned to harden my heart to any romantic feelings and resist the temptation to to care for one person too much. But unfortunately this time I have let my guard down. The one I loved betrayed me and deceived me. And the worse thing is.. I actually saw it coming... Would this end herald a new beginning for me..?
Monday, October 8, 2007
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Which would be better,chocolate or sex?
Sitting at a cafe I look up to observe my surroundings. People having conversations and laughing gaily to themselves. At one table came a soft sussurus of some girlish secrets being whispered. I smile to myself and held my mug of warm caramel mocha latte and took a swig. I close my eyes in satisfaction as I savor the latte roll around my tongue and tickle my tastebuds, smell the aroma of freshly brewed coffee wafting from behind the counter where busy baristas rush about trying to get the customers orders ready while attempting looking extremely friendly. I took up my little fork and jabbed it maliciously into a slice of rich chocolate cake and managed to swivelled up a small piece to my mouth and tasted it. A sweet and bitter flavor filled my mouth instantly and I relished a kaleidoscope of flavors not unakin to what I feel when I had sex the night before. But of course this is an entirely different kind of sensation as I think we all know the big difference between eating a chocolate cake and giving in to our carnal desires. When devouring a sweet dessert one tends to pile on the pounds whereas when engaging in bed related activities actually helps you to lose that unwanted fat. I laughed to myself as I remember the lustful session I had. Everything was flashy and blurry and the next thing I knew I was sitting in my bed with this stranger sleeping next to me with her mouth open and performing a nasal orchestra to herald the coming dawn. It wasn't all that fantastic. The sex I mean. I'd probably get more excitement from popping a zit. ah well. That's what happens when you've had too much to drink. I think I managed to burn some calories which on the whole wasn't such a waste of my time after all.
Break ups are the part and parcel of life. Many a night have I drenched my pillow in tears and taking into account the amount of tissues used I also probably annihilated a few rainforests. But I don't think I can remember the last time I cried over someone. Maybe it was a few months ago. I guess with every heartbreak I have learned to grow stronger and slowly I began to harden my heart to resist any amorous feelings. The consequences? Both good and bad. I wanted revenge on those who had broken my heart before and I swore never to fall so easily again. I have come to realize that the usual term "falling in love" has a negative meaning. Falling is generally not a very pleasant thing to experience. It means to lose one's balance and one would most likely hit the ground hard. Why fall in love? I rather prefer the term "grow" in love instead. Logically speaking, love is like a seed. It is sowed when friendship starts. The seed either lies dormant or is nourished by more feelings. But love is not all about feelings. It requires actions and mutual responses. Love which is all words is like turning on the sprinklers but forgetting to plug in the hose. So the the sprinkler just spins around but nothing comes out. To have someone love you as much as you love him or her is an amazing experience. Love can drive a person to do things he or she wouldn't do under any normal circumstances. It was love that led Paris to engage in warfare for the sake of Helen's hand. A person once said love is the force that makes the world go round. Guess he hadn't heard of gravity. Bloody romantics.
But then again,who in this world can survive without love? It was love that brought us into this world,(though I know that this is not true for some people..) and we feel all kinds of love everyday whether be it friendship or more. a world without love would be a very dull and frightening place indeed. So excuse me while I go out there and find me some love!
Break ups are the part and parcel of life. Many a night have I drenched my pillow in tears and taking into account the amount of tissues used I also probably annihilated a few rainforests. But I don't think I can remember the last time I cried over someone. Maybe it was a few months ago. I guess with every heartbreak I have learned to grow stronger and slowly I began to harden my heart to resist any amorous feelings. The consequences? Both good and bad. I wanted revenge on those who had broken my heart before and I swore never to fall so easily again. I have come to realize that the usual term "falling in love" has a negative meaning. Falling is generally not a very pleasant thing to experience. It means to lose one's balance and one would most likely hit the ground hard. Why fall in love? I rather prefer the term "grow" in love instead. Logically speaking, love is like a seed. It is sowed when friendship starts. The seed either lies dormant or is nourished by more feelings. But love is not all about feelings. It requires actions and mutual responses. Love which is all words is like turning on the sprinklers but forgetting to plug in the hose. So the the sprinkler just spins around but nothing comes out. To have someone love you as much as you love him or her is an amazing experience. Love can drive a person to do things he or she wouldn't do under any normal circumstances. It was love that led Paris to engage in warfare for the sake of Helen's hand. A person once said love is the force that makes the world go round. Guess he hadn't heard of gravity. Bloody romantics.
But then again,who in this world can survive without love? It was love that brought us into this world,(though I know that this is not true for some people..) and we feel all kinds of love everyday whether be it friendship or more. a world without love would be a very dull and frightening place indeed. So excuse me while I go out there and find me some love!
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Turn back time?
If you had one chance to go back in time and correct one mistake in your life, what mistake would you correct? Well,that's pretty personal right? Each one of us have made some mistakes of which we later regret committing. I have made some very silly but very costly mistakes in my past,which I don't think I'm gonna tell you coz its private. *laughs* But there are some mistakes which I don't regret making for if I hadn't made that particular mistake I wouldn't have learned that particularly valuable lesson from it. What I am today is the result of circumstaces that I have gone through. From every mistake and every hurdle I have faced I learned to solve it and move on to the next phase. Some circunstances are difficult to overcome and may take more time than others. But in time a valuable lesson will be obtained when the hurdle has been overcomed.
Sometimes I view myself as not good enough. I try to make myself better. Wear odd clothes. get a new piercing.(which I did for fun. hahaha!!) Try to act differently. But then I realized that putting on this mask was very difficult cos it did not fit my face and it wasn't who I truly am. I stopped to think. I'm not good enpough? But,not good enough for who? My friends? My family? The society around me? I lie on my bed and pondered about this for quite a while. I felt so stupid. How can I force myself to be something that I'm not just so that people can accept me? Sigh... I am who I am,and that you cannot change. I am,WE are all unique in our own special ways. Sure some people can do certain things that we can't do,but we ourselves have talents and gifts that they may not have,and that sets us apart from each other. The Creator did not intend all human beings to be the same. He created us and given us a variety of gifts for which we use to glorify Him and also to help others. Gifts are meant to be shared and not hoarded and buried somewhere. *laughs* its 2:20 a.m. now. And I'm still wide awake. My eyes are red cos I've been wearing my contacts since 9:30 a.m. My poor eyes. I'll rest up soon. I was havin fever earlier. Goodness knows why. I ate lotsa sushi today. and OMYGOD!! THE SALMON CROQUETTE!!! I LEFT IT IN MY BAG!! I'm so forgetful.. *slaps forehead* I hope it didn't decide to die in my bag.. Owell. Bugger it. I'll have it for breakfast tomoro then. Yum,yum. Actually,I haven't even eaten dinner yet. I was too sick to eat. But now I'm feeling better!! Whoo-hoo!! I hope I don't get to hyper. Otherwise I won't be able to sleep. *laughs*
Ah well,life goes on despite the troubles and toils that we have to face. My sense of humor is the only thing keeping me sane in this mad world. Take life one step at a time!! Laugh and learn to relax.. Otherwise you'd be laughing permanently in a funny farm.Wouldn't want that to happen do we? Hat hat hat. Hahaha! 1I got that from Soul Music. Just finished reading it. Now I have to re-read Translations. and I have to practice my maths.. Darn... So little time and so many things to do!!
Newflash.
CHOICE,CHOICE,CHOICE.
ALL humans are given a CHOICE.
This is another topic I'll write about when I'm NOT so angry.
Something's come up.
See you all later...
Choice....
Sheesh.....
If you had one chance to go back in time and correct one mistake in your life, what mistake would you correct? Well,that's pretty personal right? Each one of us have made some mistakes of which we later regret committing. I have made some very silly but very costly mistakes in my past,which I don't think I'm gonna tell you coz its private. *laughs* But there are some mistakes which I don't regret making for if I hadn't made that particular mistake I wouldn't have learned that particularly valuable lesson from it. What I am today is the result of circumstaces that I have gone through. From every mistake and every hurdle I have faced I learned to solve it and move on to the next phase. Some circunstances are difficult to overcome and may take more time than others. But in time a valuable lesson will be obtained when the hurdle has been overcomed.
Sometimes I view myself as not good enough. I try to make myself better. Wear odd clothes. get a new piercing.(which I did for fun. hahaha!!) Try to act differently. But then I realized that putting on this mask was very difficult cos it did not fit my face and it wasn't who I truly am. I stopped to think. I'm not good enpough? But,not good enough for who? My friends? My family? The society around me? I lie on my bed and pondered about this for quite a while. I felt so stupid. How can I force myself to be something that I'm not just so that people can accept me? Sigh... I am who I am,and that you cannot change. I am,WE are all unique in our own special ways. Sure some people can do certain things that we can't do,but we ourselves have talents and gifts that they may not have,and that sets us apart from each other. The Creator did not intend all human beings to be the same. He created us and given us a variety of gifts for which we use to glorify Him and also to help others. Gifts are meant to be shared and not hoarded and buried somewhere. *laughs* its 2:20 a.m. now. And I'm still wide awake. My eyes are red cos I've been wearing my contacts since 9:30 a.m. My poor eyes. I'll rest up soon. I was havin fever earlier. Goodness knows why. I ate lotsa sushi today. and OMYGOD!! THE SALMON CROQUETTE!!! I LEFT IT IN MY BAG!! I'm so forgetful.. *slaps forehead* I hope it didn't decide to die in my bag.. Owell. Bugger it. I'll have it for breakfast tomoro then. Yum,yum. Actually,I haven't even eaten dinner yet. I was too sick to eat. But now I'm feeling better!! Whoo-hoo!! I hope I don't get to hyper. Otherwise I won't be able to sleep. *laughs*
Ah well,life goes on despite the troubles and toils that we have to face. My sense of humor is the only thing keeping me sane in this mad world. Take life one step at a time!! Laugh and learn to relax.. Otherwise you'd be laughing permanently in a funny farm.Wouldn't want that to happen do we? Hat hat hat. Hahaha! 1I got that from Soul Music. Just finished reading it. Now I have to re-read Translations. and I have to practice my maths.. Darn... So little time and so many things to do!!
Newflash.
CHOICE,CHOICE,CHOICE.
ALL humans are given a CHOICE.
This is another topic I'll write about when I'm NOT so angry.
Something's come up.
See you all later...
Choice....
Sheesh.....
"I wish I had NEVER met that person!!" These words had escaped my lips just a few moments ago. But I did have the choice whether or not I wanted to meet that person. I chose the latter. Ah well. Earthly happiness is always temporal. It never lasts long anyway. We enjoy it while it lasts.
Freedom of choice. Choice. A gift so graciously bestowed upon us by the Creator. A gift that we all so often abuse. Some choices we make reflect deeply on our character. What we do today affects us and the people around us though we may not realize that. Our past affects our present and our present affects our future but who knows what the future holds for us? I doubt we can really know unless we have that miraulous gift of foresight. Otherwise known as premonitions or vision. We have to be careful with the choices that we make and be wise with our words. *tear rolls down cheek* I wish I hadn't made certain choices which I had so foolishly and rashly made. But... They were suppose to teach me a lesson. Yet I seem to keep repeating the same mistakes. And I ALWAYS fall into the same hole. Whe will I ever learn right? *laughs weakly*
When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
You will learn to beginto trust the voice within.
Sounds familiar? Its the chorus from The Voice Within by Christina Aguilera. The voice within. Doesn't that symbolize our heart? Can we really trust what our heart tell us? our heart can be fooled. Mine has been fooled many times before. And I'm still recovering from past hurts. The problem is that I keep facing similar situations which opens up the old wounds. Sigh... I just wish that I could forsee a mistake before it happens. But everyone knows that trials make an individual stronger. Gold has to go through fire to rid it of its impurities. I guess every human being must go through the fire of life so that they may become stronger than their present state.
*tear rolls down cheek* I cannot just give up on my feelings totally. I've gotta be strong. There's no mountain too high to climb and no river too wide to be crossed. There is no trial that is too hard to be overcomed....
Freedom of choice. Choice. A gift so graciously bestowed upon us by the Creator. A gift that we all so often abuse. Some choices we make reflect deeply on our character. What we do today affects us and the people around us though we may not realize that. Our past affects our present and our present affects our future but who knows what the future holds for us? I doubt we can really know unless we have that miraulous gift of foresight. Otherwise known as premonitions or vision. We have to be careful with the choices that we make and be wise with our words. *tear rolls down cheek* I wish I hadn't made certain choices which I had so foolishly and rashly made. But... They were suppose to teach me a lesson. Yet I seem to keep repeating the same mistakes. And I ALWAYS fall into the same hole. Whe will I ever learn right? *laughs weakly*
When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
You will learn to beginto trust the voice within.
Sounds familiar? Its the chorus from The Voice Within by Christina Aguilera. The voice within. Doesn't that symbolize our heart? Can we really trust what our heart tell us? our heart can be fooled. Mine has been fooled many times before. And I'm still recovering from past hurts. The problem is that I keep facing similar situations which opens up the old wounds. Sigh... I just wish that I could forsee a mistake before it happens. But everyone knows that trials make an individual stronger. Gold has to go through fire to rid it of its impurities. I guess every human being must go through the fire of life so that they may become stronger than their present state.
*tear rolls down cheek* I cannot just give up on my feelings totally. I've gotta be strong. There's no mountain too high to climb and no river too wide to be crossed. There is no trial that is too hard to be overcomed....
Celebration of Life
Ah,Life! Sweet life that flows from within me!
Bubble forth from deep within to without
Fill not only myself but others around me
Oh,I can't contain but now I must shout!!
Laughter,sweet laughter that's mingled with joy!!
Hold fast thee now to this strong heart of mine
And overflow with gladness this human boy!!
Peace with joy now together intertwine
With thy strength chase thee away the shadows
Of hurt and doubt that long had hounded me
Free,so free like a sheep in the meadows,
A bright shining sun has now come greet me.
The music of the singing birds bear note
of carefree lives they have which I too seek,
Yet live I a life which I must now dote
A life which I had turned to strong from weak.
Bear ye well in all that thou seek to do.
Above all,to thine own self be true.
Ah,Life! Sweet life that flows from within me!
Bubble forth from deep within to without
Fill not only myself but others around me
Oh,I can't contain but now I must shout!!
Laughter,sweet laughter that's mingled with joy!!
Hold fast thee now to this strong heart of mine
And overflow with gladness this human boy!!
Peace with joy now together intertwine
With thy strength chase thee away the shadows
Of hurt and doubt that long had hounded me
Free,so free like a sheep in the meadows,
A bright shining sun has now come greet me.
The music of the singing birds bear note
of carefree lives they have which I too seek,
Yet live I a life which I must now dote
A life which I had turned to strong from weak.
Bear ye well in all that thou seek to do.
Above all,to thine own self be true.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
First sorrow
She blinked back the hot tears which started to form behind her once bright eyes. Never did she come to think that she would actually cry again, pierced by the sweet sting of love. Yet she wasn’t sure whether it was for love that she cried or for the sheer betrayal which had been lashed upon her. Nevertheless she still had to release the frustration, anger and sadness which she kept bottled up inside her throbbing heart and had donned a smiling mask which had managed to fool everyone she met. She had no choice. She didn’t want to appear distraught and forlorn from mixed up emotions. The thing about the battle of emotions that when it is over, you can’t be sure whether you have emerged victorious or defeated. You could only emerge and pick up the fractured pieces of whatever it is that you foolishly surrendered and continue with Life without so much as a glance behind and think all those stupid “What if?” thoughts. It’s bad enough to have to deal with present crap and having to deal with past crap isn’t going to improve anything. Dwell on the past and gradually you’ll lose sight of the future. However the future is built upon past nostalgia as a foundation. Whatever it is that happens now paves a new path for a different future. Best to be prepared with thick-soled boots if you ask me. One lives and learns.
Erasing the last of her messages on her hand phone she tossed it lightly on her bed and lumbered off to sit by her window. She looked up to see a starless sky and watched as cloud wraiths glided silently across the pale crescent moon which seemed to be grinning unpleasantly at her. It was nights like this that she felt most lonely. The silence was so thick that if she reached out she could squeeze a handful of it out of the air. But as she listened carefully she discovered that the silence of the night was actually an orchestra of many tiny noises. She heard the chirp of crickets, the breath of the wind, the low-pitched buzz of winged insects, the rustle of trees and the flap of a passing bat performing its nocturnal rites. She then closed her eyes and allowed her mind to wander. Her mind prodded at bits of memory. Layers of guilt and congealed regrets resurfaced slowly like apples in a bobbing tub but she waved them off dismissively. She was in no mood to deal with more bouts of sadness when already drowning in current glum. Happy memories wafted past and she picked on them, doting upon the sweet experiences which made her smile. Her first crush, her first date, her first kiss… A tear escaped her unresisting eyelid and she was jolted back to the present. Opening her eyes and blinking a few times she tried to readjust her mind and wiped off the runaway tear. Stupid stupid stupid to have done such stupid things!! Stupid to have believed such flamboyant promises!! Beautiful words that turned out to be so empty!! She was so enthralled by the enchanting words that she did not foresee the impending disaster until it hit her straight in the face. The human heart is so easily deceived. Its craving for love and attention is insatiable. She pondered on these thoughts for a moment and sighed, her chest heaving in. She got up pushed everything off her bed with a sweep of her arm and fell asleep.
This was my actually my first attempt at fictional writing. *laughs* It was a sudden inspiration that came like the wind. One minute here and the next minute its blowing someone’s farmhouse and dropping it on some innocent old lady who happened to be wearing red boots in some weird country. What do you think of it? I know it isn’t exactly a masterpiece. I’ve got lots more to learn about writing and I’m gonna improve pretty soon. *looks smug* Anyway,hope it was an enjoyable read.
Erasing the last of her messages on her hand phone she tossed it lightly on her bed and lumbered off to sit by her window. She looked up to see a starless sky and watched as cloud wraiths glided silently across the pale crescent moon which seemed to be grinning unpleasantly at her. It was nights like this that she felt most lonely. The silence was so thick that if she reached out she could squeeze a handful of it out of the air. But as she listened carefully she discovered that the silence of the night was actually an orchestra of many tiny noises. She heard the chirp of crickets, the breath of the wind, the low-pitched buzz of winged insects, the rustle of trees and the flap of a passing bat performing its nocturnal rites. She then closed her eyes and allowed her mind to wander. Her mind prodded at bits of memory. Layers of guilt and congealed regrets resurfaced slowly like apples in a bobbing tub but she waved them off dismissively. She was in no mood to deal with more bouts of sadness when already drowning in current glum. Happy memories wafted past and she picked on them, doting upon the sweet experiences which made her smile. Her first crush, her first date, her first kiss… A tear escaped her unresisting eyelid and she was jolted back to the present. Opening her eyes and blinking a few times she tried to readjust her mind and wiped off the runaway tear. Stupid stupid stupid to have done such stupid things!! Stupid to have believed such flamboyant promises!! Beautiful words that turned out to be so empty!! She was so enthralled by the enchanting words that she did not foresee the impending disaster until it hit her straight in the face. The human heart is so easily deceived. Its craving for love and attention is insatiable. She pondered on these thoughts for a moment and sighed, her chest heaving in. She got up pushed everything off her bed with a sweep of her arm and fell asleep.
This was my actually my first attempt at fictional writing. *laughs* It was a sudden inspiration that came like the wind. One minute here and the next minute its blowing someone’s farmhouse and dropping it on some innocent old lady who happened to be wearing red boots in some weird country. What do you think of it? I know it isn’t exactly a masterpiece. I’ve got lots more to learn about writing and I’m gonna improve pretty soon. *looks smug* Anyway,hope it was an enjoyable read.
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